How to Get on the Same Page Financially with Your Spouse
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Money fights and money problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. If you and your spouse are not on the same page financially, then this can certainly have damaging effects on your marriage. If you are aware that money frustration is one of the main issues that destroy marriages, then it just might make sense to begin strengthening this area of your marriage. I know this is easier said than done, but listen, if you really want your marriage to flourish, then you have to get on the same page with your spouse about money. When our personal finances are in order, it is much easier to deal with everything else that comes with marriage. However; until you master this area, you might not see much growth in other areas of your marriage.
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HOW TO GET ON THE SAME PAGE FINANCIALLY WITH YOUR SPOUSE
In order to get on the same page financially with your spouse, there is a series of action steps that must be done first before you even get into the numbers. If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you know that I never just jump into the numbers; I always start by focusing on mindset. This time is no different. With that being said, I’d like to start by recommending 4 initial action steps that must be taken in order to get your spouse on board with money:
- Consider Your Approach
- Restructure the Conversation
- Educate Yourselves Together
- Be Honest and Transparent
Now, let’s go ahead and break each of these steps down.
Consider your approach
There are several factors to consider when approaching the topic of money. If you and your spouse are financially frustrated with each other, then you might have to tread lightly. Here is an example of what I mean by that.
When you approach your spouse with a question about money, you have to consider the timing, the words you use, the tone you use, and your body language during your approach. Since this is an area within your marriage, that is very delicate, you have to handle it with care.
Factors
If your spouse just got laid off from his/her job of 15 years, that’s probably not a good time to mention that you’d still like to save for a trip to Hawaii in 9 months. This should definitely wait for another time.
Another issue that many people have is the words that are used and this is not just for conversations about money, this tip can actually be followed for all conversations. It is never a good idea to approach your spouse with the phrase “You ALWAYS do…” or “You NEVER do…” These words/phrases immediately put your spouse in defense mode and they end up not wanting to engage with you because they feel attacked.
The last issue that leads to conversations about money going south is the tone and type of body language you use in your approach. Sometimes approaching your spouse with a sweet spirit and humble heart can lead to you getting a very positive response from your spouse. You must also be respectful and avoid sounding like you are your spouse’s parent. Talk to your spouse like he/she is your equal instead of like your child.
Now, if your spouse doesn’t respond to any of these positive approaches, then this might be a sign of a deeper issue. You may want to figure out if the reason your spouse doesn’t want to get on the same page about money is due to the fact that he/she is hiding something.
Restructure the Conversation
Sometimes when you keep on saying the same old thing, it tends to go in one ear and out of the other. So, I’ve personally learned to either stop saying it or change the way I say it. Here is an example of what I mean.
Instead of saying “We can’t reach our financial goals because you won’t open up to me.” Maybe start by saying, “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for our household and I enjoy being married to you. However; there are some things that we can improve financially. I believe that if we make these changes, both of us would equally benefit, and here’s how (list benefits). I would really love to hear your thoughts on this. It would really make me happy if we could find some kind of middle ground so that we can experience some financial growth.”
Now, I know this was a lot, but doesn’t it sound much better than just saying, “We can’t reach our financial goals because you won’t open up to me?” You started by thanking your spouse, then you mentioned the problem, stated a solution that would benefit both of you, and finally, you asked for feedback.
This type of conversation brings an entirely new dynamic to the equation.
Educate Yourselves Together
My husband is one of the most nonchalant people you will ever meet. Because of the trust we have for each other, he would be fine just letting me manage the finances. However; a few years ago, I explained to him that we needed to make some changes and I asked him to join a Financial Peace class with me that would soon be starting up at my church. At first, he hesitated, but then he was all in.
Every week for 13 weeks, we drove roughly one hour to attend these classes. In case you haven’t seen me mention this before, Financial Peace is the first real course I ever took with my husband that gave us all the tools we needed in order to better manage our finances. There were so many discussion topics that could only be discussed with my husband because we considered these very private matters. Since we hardly knew anyone in the class, I could not have imagined telling strangers about the amount of student loan debt we had. That was personal to us. However; I’m much more open now, but I hope you understand what I’m saying here.
This is the importance of learning and growing together. What if I had attended those classes all by myself? Then he wouldn’t have heard the information coming from the instructor’s house and I would have had to come back and regurgitate everything I’ve learned which is not always effective. Everybody can’t learn like that. In addition, it might have been harder for us to get on the same page with money if he had not learned the information for himself. He needed the information to make him feel some kind of emotion, which eventually pushed him to start taking action.
Takeaway
Since then, we’ve gone on to listen to some of the same podcasts, subscribe to the same YouTube channels, and read some of the same books. I can honestly say that by doing these things, I have definitely seen a shift in our marriage.
I can’t stress how important it is for you and your spouse to educate yourselves together. These small acts will help you to reach your goals much faster if you are in sync with each other. So go ahead and get started as soon as possible!
Be Honest and Transparent
Last, but not least, it is important to be as honest and as transparent as possible. In order to get your spouse on the same page financially, both of you have to disclose as much as you possibly can remember. I know that this might be hard for some married couples to do, especially if there has been financial infidelity. However; now is the time to come clean. There is no possible way to move forward if the old mess is not cleaned up.
After you’ve laid everything out on the table, then you need to be transparent about how you are feeling, your dreams, and your goals. Open up to your spouse and share all the things currently in your heart. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, even if it’s just for a little while. It might be hard in the beginning, but this will allow your spouse to truly understand the importance of being on the same page financially.
Final Thoughts
Building financial intimacy within your marriage is not difficult, but it does take time, patience, and consistency. We have to remember that money touches every area of our lives and if you and your spouse are struggling to get on the same page with money, then it is pretty much a given that other areas of your marriage will suffer.
I ask that you take some time to really humble yourself by considering your approach, restructuring the conversation, educating yourselves together, and being honest and transparent. Once you and your spouse can do these things as a couple, there is no limit on how much your marriage will grow.
I hope that I have helped you to see how important money is in a relationship and how to effectively get on the same page financially with your spouse. However; if you want to dive deeper into this topic, then grab this Quick Start Guide to Help Couples Better Communicate About Money! Happy Talking!
